Ok, so it has been a ridiculously long time since I've written on here, sorry for that! A lot has happened........ Let's see, at the end of june I was asked to move out of the place I was living and forced to move back in with my parents. I truly feel like the 1 step forward 16 steps back (yes I know that's not actually it) applies to me! I love my parents and I am very grateful for the help they give me and that they are always there for me, but at 28 years old it is embarassing to tell someone that I live with my parents. Hopefully with the opening of their restaurant, where I will be helping to manage, I will finally be making enough money to move out on my own again!
I have, ONCE AGAIN, re-entered into the dating scene, and so far I am unimpressed. I have always struggled with insecurities and I am trying to work on that, so its hard for me to be rejected. I really envy those women who can just walk into a room and grab everyone's attention, you know the ones, they get hit on and approached constantly. I'm sure if that happened to me I would eventually grow tired of it, but damn I just want to feel that for a little while. That being said, people never believe me when I tell them that I don't get hit on! Its true people! I mean, ok, yes occasionally I do get hit on, but its usually by someone who is not my type, or someone who is just looking for a hook-up. I'm told that I don't get hit on because I am "intimidating" because I am "tall and beautiful"! Well sidestepping the compliment, which I appreciate, maybe I don't want to be intimidating! Maybe I just want to be me, and enjoy life, and get hit on!!!!! Ugh! ok sorry, I'm done with that for now!
I've gained weight, about 20 pounds :( to me that's a lot, but according to everyone else you cant even tell that I've gained it. I love my friends for lying to me!!!! But now I'm trying to get back on track to lose it again! Wish me luck! ok, i think that's all I'm going to rant about for now! I'll hopefully be able to post again tomorrow!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
And then 4 became 3 again
If you're just joining me, please start at the beginning or this wont make much sense. Now that I got that out of the way I can continue. About 3 months after Dakota was born the arguing started again. To be truthful I didn't exactly fight fair, taking every oppertunity to throw his affair in his face, but I was still hurt. He was just added to list of guys that had cheated on me, which was all of them. There was one time though where he literally broke the door in half because I had threatened to leave him. I was scared to leave him, but I was scared to stay. I lay in bed every night debating about killing myself. If I was gone then he wouldn't hurt my family. But even then, even after he had torn me down to believing I was worthless, and that no one would ever love me again. Even then, I was to strong to do that to my girls.
When I left Brandon, I did it the coward's way, which I still feel bad about. I tried to make sure he had support that day, I called his mom and told her I was leaving and asked her to be there for him. I only found out later that she was late, and he sat on the front porch with the roses he had brought home for me, alone. I had waited until he left for work that morning, and then I had moved my stuff out and left him a letter. Despite the fact that 3 weeks after I left him he met someone else and moved her into our house, he continued for about a year with the death threats. Even telling Azlee that he was going to run the car into my house and burn it down, and he was going to jail. I finally got to the point that I filed a police report against him, and that was the turning point. It still took a while, but now we are finally on good terms. There are some great things that came out of my relationship with Brandon. First of all our amazing girls. Secondly, my strength. It took a while after I left him, but after 27 years of struggling with insecurities, I can finally say that I love myself. I posess a strength that I didn't know was possible. So for those reasons I cannot ever regret being with Brandon.
I will be writing more soon. This is, after-all, my personal therapy, and I will be using this to help me figure out who I am, and what I want.
When I left Brandon, I did it the coward's way, which I still feel bad about. I tried to make sure he had support that day, I called his mom and told her I was leaving and asked her to be there for him. I only found out later that she was late, and he sat on the front porch with the roses he had brought home for me, alone. I had waited until he left for work that morning, and then I had moved my stuff out and left him a letter. Despite the fact that 3 weeks after I left him he met someone else and moved her into our house, he continued for about a year with the death threats. Even telling Azlee that he was going to run the car into my house and burn it down, and he was going to jail. I finally got to the point that I filed a police report against him, and that was the turning point. It still took a while, but now we are finally on good terms. There are some great things that came out of my relationship with Brandon. First of all our amazing girls. Secondly, my strength. It took a while after I left him, but after 27 years of struggling with insecurities, I can finally say that I love myself. I posess a strength that I didn't know was possible. So for those reasons I cannot ever regret being with Brandon.
I will be writing more soon. This is, after-all, my personal therapy, and I will be using this to help me figure out who I am, and what I want.
And 2 became 3 (a little R rated)
When Azlee was about 8 months old we moved in with my brother and his family. At this point we had lived in 5 places in 2 years. While we lived with my brother our fights increased, and it was here that he got physical with me. One night we were arguing, I'm not sure what it was about, but he grabbed my wrist and twisted so hard that he broke the gold bracelet I was wearing into 5 pieces. When I went to walk away he rushed me and pinned me against the wall. He got in my face and with his hand around my throat and threatened to kill me if I ever left him. This was the first of many threats, I cannot count the number of times he threatened to kill me and my family if I ever left him. At this point I had been out of work for a year, and finally went back to work. The entire time I worked at Target I was accused of cheating on him with every guy I worked with. I worked there for about a year and a half. It was about that time that he started working at Rinnai.
I truly thought that this job would be great for us, I was wrong. About 8 months into working for Rinnai I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter. Not to long after that he started talking about Emma. I knew right away that he had a crush on her by the way he talked about her. I mean after all I had gained 50 pounds, and she was younger and skinnier than I was. (But she wasn't prettier!) While Brandon was working late one night he called me.
"I'm not working late." ok
"I'm out to drinks with someone." who
"Who do you think?" I knew........ Emma!
My parents had caught him at Tacomac, and he wanted to be the one to tell me. Awww, how sweet.
For over 2 hours I talked to him off and on while he sat there with her. Taking his wedding ring off and telling me he didn't love me anymore. When he finally came home he made it MY FAULT! Said we didn't have sex enough! We had sex every day, sometimes twice a day, and three times a day on the weekend, and I was pregnant. What did he expect to carry me around having sex with him all the time?
We worked on things, and by we, I mean I, and by worked on things, I mean completely changed. And then Dakota was born.
Dakota was born during a tornado and hail storm via emergancy c-section. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my incision didn't close properly and I got a staph infection. For 6 weeks I had to have someone pack gauze into my incision. (ouch) Brandon was great during that, and for about 3 months after.
I truly thought that this job would be great for us, I was wrong. About 8 months into working for Rinnai I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter. Not to long after that he started talking about Emma. I knew right away that he had a crush on her by the way he talked about her. I mean after all I had gained 50 pounds, and she was younger and skinnier than I was. (But she wasn't prettier!) While Brandon was working late one night he called me.
"I'm not working late." ok
"I'm out to drinks with someone." who
"Who do you think?" I knew........ Emma!
My parents had caught him at Tacomac, and he wanted to be the one to tell me. Awww, how sweet.
For over 2 hours I talked to him off and on while he sat there with her. Taking his wedding ring off and telling me he didn't love me anymore. When he finally came home he made it MY FAULT! Said we didn't have sex enough! We had sex every day, sometimes twice a day, and three times a day on the weekend, and I was pregnant. What did he expect to carry me around having sex with him all the time?
We worked on things, and by we, I mean I, and by worked on things, I mean completely changed. And then Dakota was born.
Dakota was born during a tornado and hail storm via emergancy c-section. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my incision didn't close properly and I got a staph infection. For 6 weeks I had to have someone pack gauze into my incision. (ouch) Brandon was great during that, and for about 3 months after.
Brandon and I part 2
As I pushed aside the picture debacle, things seemed to go back to normal, except the fact that Brandon started alienating me from my friends. To be fair, it wasn't his fault entirely, I allowed him to change me. I started out a vibrant, happy, active 19 year old, and slowly I changed into someone that stayed at home except for the one friend I still had, but eventually that changed too. When we were in public I kept my head down, making sure not to look at other guys so that I wouldn't be accused of cheating. I had slowly lost friends that I had been close with for 8 years, and all of my time was consumed with Brandon, and planning our wedding. Yes, I was actually marrying him, despite all of the warning signs, what can I say? I was stupid! Now, I'm not going to go into why me and my friends stopped talking, and even got to the point that we hated each other for a period of time, but Brandon was the cause. And I had no friends that were just mine at our wedding, that is to say that all of the friends at the wedding were Brandon's and by proxemity mine. The wedding was beautiful, and we went on a nice honeymoon, and for a while things seemed great. We were even trying to get pregnant.
About a month after our wedding I experienced my first panic attack. That panic attack was such a traumatic event in my life that I can still remember exactly what every room in my house looked like as I walked through it, what the weather was like outside, and the outline of the argument that triggered it. We were arguing about my mom, not so much about her, as about how close I was to her. He always resented my relationship with my mom, because I told her all about our problems. And yet, he shared everything about our sexual life with his mom. I mean, his mom was the person who took me to my first sex store. Anyway, as we're fighting, and we're yelling back and forth I start to feel like I can't breath, I was dizzy and felt extremely hot. I immediately abandoned the fight and ran into the bathroom crying, and began stripping off my clothes. I just needed to breath!! As I lay on the cold floor Brandon realized something was wrong and held me. It was responses like that, that kept me in the relationship. And the panic attacks started to happen more frequently, I finally got help for them 7 years later.
As I'm sure you can tell, our relationship was one huge rollercoaster ride up and down, and January 1, 2005 was a big up. That was the day I found out I was pregnant! At that point I was 4 weeks along, and it was at 10 weeks that I ended up in the hospital. Don't worry, it was pregnancy related! I was very sick during my pregnancy, and for 3 days I had been unable to keep and food or drink in my system. I was severly dehydrated and spent about 4 hours alone in the hospital. After that I was still very sick and one time did not make it to the toilet. I remember it, because Brandon made me clean it up. And then Azlee was born! Brandon was great during labor and delivery. I can still remember the look on his face when the nurse told us she didn't feel anything (meaning my cervix was completely thinned out and it was time to push). He actually thought that the baby had just disappeared! Well maybe not, but he thought something was very wrong, that look was priceless.
About a month after our wedding I experienced my first panic attack. That panic attack was such a traumatic event in my life that I can still remember exactly what every room in my house looked like as I walked through it, what the weather was like outside, and the outline of the argument that triggered it. We were arguing about my mom, not so much about her, as about how close I was to her. He always resented my relationship with my mom, because I told her all about our problems. And yet, he shared everything about our sexual life with his mom. I mean, his mom was the person who took me to my first sex store. Anyway, as we're fighting, and we're yelling back and forth I start to feel like I can't breath, I was dizzy and felt extremely hot. I immediately abandoned the fight and ran into the bathroom crying, and began stripping off my clothes. I just needed to breath!! As I lay on the cold floor Brandon realized something was wrong and held me. It was responses like that, that kept me in the relationship. And the panic attacks started to happen more frequently, I finally got help for them 7 years later.
As I'm sure you can tell, our relationship was one huge rollercoaster ride up and down, and January 1, 2005 was a big up. That was the day I found out I was pregnant! At that point I was 4 weeks along, and it was at 10 weeks that I ended up in the hospital. Don't worry, it was pregnancy related! I was very sick during my pregnancy, and for 3 days I had been unable to keep and food or drink in my system. I was severly dehydrated and spent about 4 hours alone in the hospital. After that I was still very sick and one time did not make it to the toilet. I remember it, because Brandon made me clean it up. And then Azlee was born! Brandon was great during labor and delivery. I can still remember the look on his face when the nurse told us she didn't feel anything (meaning my cervix was completely thinned out and it was time to push). He actually thought that the baby had just disappeared! Well maybe not, but he thought something was very wrong, that look was priceless.
Very First Therapy Session LOL
So let me start out by saying I am not writing this so that people will read it. I have no problem having it read, but this is more of a personal journey into who I am, and what I want out of life. My best friend has inspired me to start this journey after watching her amazing journey over the past few months. She knows who she is, and I just want her to know that I am extremely proud of her!
Ok, all that being said, here we go! I have spent the majority of my adult life in one relationship. I Met Brandon when I was 19, married him when I was 20, and gave birth to our amazing oldest daughter when I was 21. There are very few people who know the whole story of that relationship, but I think its time I shared it. Its a long story, so stick with me. Let me preface this by saying that when I was a teenager I was boy-crazy(understatement of the century)! My first relationship was 3 1/2 years long and ended a little less than a year after I graduated high school, it was only 3 months later that I met Brandon.
At first it seemed too good to be true, we were introduced by one of my best friends and her boyfriend, and the night we met we spent the entire night talking, and at the end of the night he kissed my hand!!! I know, wow, when does that ever happen. As I said before, things moved very quickly between us, we met at the end of May 2003, and began talking marriage in July. I have always been the "family" type of girl, I always knew I would get married and have kids, and jumoed at the first oppertunity I saw. When we decided in August to move in together things started to change. I guess you could say the honeymoon was over.
When we first moved in together I was working as the cake decorator at Kroger, and he was a supervisor at K&R Plumbing, we had ample time away from each other, especially since I worked a lot of evenings. I think it was around september when I came home from work one night and found that Brandon had gone through all of my pictures. When I say "all my pictures" it means every picture I had taken starting in 1997 and ending in 2003. After going through them, he had taken out every picture that was of me with a guy. He had even made a sort of bulletin board with a select few on it. "What the hell are these?" was the greeting I got that day. My confusion was obvious, they're pictures, duh! (sorry I'm a bit of a smartass these days) He belittled me and accused me of being a slut and sleeping with every single guy I had ever taken a picture with. Now, I had been very honest with him in the beginning and he knew I had been with 3 guys before him. But still, I was a slut for taking pictures with other guys before I ever met him. As he tore every single picture in half I refused to acknowledge the beginning of the breakdown of our relationship. I was blinded by my need for love and family, and ignored the signs of his temper and jealousy.
Ok, I am now realizing how long this story is, so I'm going to break it down. That's it for this session, but I hope you stick with me.
Ok, all that being said, here we go! I have spent the majority of my adult life in one relationship. I Met Brandon when I was 19, married him when I was 20, and gave birth to our amazing oldest daughter when I was 21. There are very few people who know the whole story of that relationship, but I think its time I shared it. Its a long story, so stick with me. Let me preface this by saying that when I was a teenager I was boy-crazy(understatement of the century)! My first relationship was 3 1/2 years long and ended a little less than a year after I graduated high school, it was only 3 months later that I met Brandon.
At first it seemed too good to be true, we were introduced by one of my best friends and her boyfriend, and the night we met we spent the entire night talking, and at the end of the night he kissed my hand!!! I know, wow, when does that ever happen. As I said before, things moved very quickly between us, we met at the end of May 2003, and began talking marriage in July. I have always been the "family" type of girl, I always knew I would get married and have kids, and jumoed at the first oppertunity I saw. When we decided in August to move in together things started to change. I guess you could say the honeymoon was over.
When we first moved in together I was working as the cake decorator at Kroger, and he was a supervisor at K&R Plumbing, we had ample time away from each other, especially since I worked a lot of evenings. I think it was around september when I came home from work one night and found that Brandon had gone through all of my pictures. When I say "all my pictures" it means every picture I had taken starting in 1997 and ending in 2003. After going through them, he had taken out every picture that was of me with a guy. He had even made a sort of bulletin board with a select few on it. "What the hell are these?" was the greeting I got that day. My confusion was obvious, they're pictures, duh! (sorry I'm a bit of a smartass these days) He belittled me and accused me of being a slut and sleeping with every single guy I had ever taken a picture with. Now, I had been very honest with him in the beginning and he knew I had been with 3 guys before him. But still, I was a slut for taking pictures with other guys before I ever met him. As he tore every single picture in half I refused to acknowledge the beginning of the breakdown of our relationship. I was blinded by my need for love and family, and ignored the signs of his temper and jealousy.
Ok, I am now realizing how long this story is, so I'm going to break it down. That's it for this session, but I hope you stick with me.
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