As I pushed aside the picture debacle, things seemed to go back to normal, except the fact that Brandon started alienating me from my friends. To be fair, it wasn't his fault entirely, I allowed him to change me. I started out a vibrant, happy, active 19 year old, and slowly I changed into someone that stayed at home except for the one friend I still had, but eventually that changed too. When we were in public I kept my head down, making sure not to look at other guys so that I wouldn't be accused of cheating. I had slowly lost friends that I had been close with for 8 years, and all of my time was consumed with Brandon, and planning our wedding. Yes, I was actually marrying him, despite all of the warning signs, what can I say? I was stupid! Now, I'm not going to go into why me and my friends stopped talking, and even got to the point that we hated each other for a period of time, but Brandon was the cause. And I had no friends that were just mine at our wedding, that is to say that all of the friends at the wedding were Brandon's and by proxemity mine. The wedding was beautiful, and we went on a nice honeymoon, and for a while things seemed great. We were even trying to get pregnant.
About a month after our wedding I experienced my first panic attack. That panic attack was such a traumatic event in my life that I can still remember exactly what every room in my house looked like as I walked through it, what the weather was like outside, and the outline of the argument that triggered it. We were arguing about my mom, not so much about her, as about how close I was to her. He always resented my relationship with my mom, because I told her all about our problems. And yet, he shared everything about our sexual life with his mom. I mean, his mom was the person who took me to my first sex store. Anyway, as we're fighting, and we're yelling back and forth I start to feel like I can't breath, I was dizzy and felt extremely hot. I immediately abandoned the fight and ran into the bathroom crying, and began stripping off my clothes. I just needed to breath!! As I lay on the cold floor Brandon realized something was wrong and held me. It was responses like that, that kept me in the relationship. And the panic attacks started to happen more frequently, I finally got help for them 7 years later.
As I'm sure you can tell, our relationship was one huge rollercoaster ride up and down, and January 1, 2005 was a big up. That was the day I found out I was pregnant! At that point I was 4 weeks along, and it was at 10 weeks that I ended up in the hospital. Don't worry, it was pregnancy related! I was very sick during my pregnancy, and for 3 days I had been unable to keep and food or drink in my system. I was severly dehydrated and spent about 4 hours alone in the hospital. After that I was still very sick and one time did not make it to the toilet. I remember it, because Brandon made me clean it up. And then Azlee was born! Brandon was great during labor and delivery. I can still remember the look on his face when the nurse told us she didn't feel anything (meaning my cervix was completely thinned out and it was time to push). He actually thought that the baby had just disappeared! Well maybe not, but he thought something was very wrong, that look was priceless.
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